Change

i realised it yesterday.. if i want to continue living and recover.. theres one thing i must do..


time to abandon my old self..

the old self that liked her, the old self who knew she existed. the old self, who lived life as if it will never end.

time to abandon this.

first of all, my new self is noe shes dead, my new self will live each day in light of knowing i will die.

its stressful knowing all these.. i need to take time to transition.

just now read back my postings when i jus heard the news.. one of e my most sad postings.. even now:

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"i decided.. i should delete her msn n her hp number.. its heart-breaking, because u noe she will never appear online again, her runescape characters will never be logged in, n thats why i cried so much due to tis fact..

i came to a conclusion while i was crying.. her physical existance is no more, so to respect her death, i should delete her msn n hp number away.. u noe u call, she will not answer, her msn, i still hav her chatlog, n its heart breaking.. her last word is "i go study liao bb", u noe that will never add on.. so..

i tink its time to delete her msn n hp.. its to respect her death, to acknowledge her perish."

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- she will never appear online again, her runescape characters will never be logged in

its hard to say goodbye.. dramas we also see this kind of things.. how can i accept it man.. i need some time to slowly transition

i also read about another person, whose daughter died suddenly... she said "i tot i will go insane.. but look, after 17 years, im still sane"

to me.. each day i wonder how to go thru without thinking of suicide. each time i see the future... the pain that is in my heart.. walao.. when will e comfort come la.. i pray n pray n pray.. damn idiot man..

so i decided.. for now.. i live each day asking "hey, is today the day i will die?". Inspired by Tuesdays with Morrie.. wad i mean by abandoning my old self.. is to see living as a whole new way.. living knowing that i will die.. living knowing that rh has died.. no point seeing life as a 10 year thingy.. no "interesting things tt i want to do".. no hardcore working on projects..

i wan to pick out the things i love to do.. dun wan to spend too much time on other things.. dun wan to pia deadlines.. live like a human.. as the book says.. spend time n look at nature..

still.. sometimes as my old self.. i will take some time watch anime n enjoy my old being.. slowly and steadily transition..


one thing im also learning now is how to cry..


its so hard to cry.. sometimes the hurts accumulates u are so desperate.. i wan to learn how to cry anytime i wan.. besides.. crying is not jus for sad people

when u laugh u may cry.. u cry happily
u also cry sadly..


we shdnt bottle up crying.. its so good to b free to cry.. sometimes crying so much it can b very tiring.. but its much betta than not crying it out..

sometimes within my mind i shout her name.. i shout other stuff also.. when crying cease to help..


its really damn hard to abandon my old self... where i can simply choose to do anything i wan.. like play game whole day.. chiong a rpg for example.. or watch an anime series.. its really quite stressful to transition.. but i wan to.. i will slowly take my time n move to my new self... its hard to imagine how i will live each day knowing i will die some day.. its stressful.. i pray God will teach me how to achieve this..





things im waiting for:

transition to my new self
waiting for e comfort (WILL IT EVER COME!?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!)




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after typing the above post, i resumed back to reading the book "Tuesdays with Morrie"

theres one part it hit me well.. a session where u hav to partner with another person.. then one partner will hav to fall backwards, then the second partner will hold him.. the Trust sessions..

alot ppl didnt make it.. only one person, a gal who closed her eyes n leaned back.. she didnt make any hesitation, and her partner caught her.. the professor said:

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."

im falling down the valley now.. if i wan to get my comfort.. i muz trust in my feelings.. that help is coming for me.. the comfort is swarming towards my direction

i decided to try.. i practised back falling on my bed..

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(this part is my personal belief.. i DONT WANT people to comment tis to me)
i felt this into my mind.. i dun need her msn to talk.. wadever regrets it came is no more.. i can rest assured.. just believe..

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