i hate thinking up of titles

warning: half of this post is related to christianity.. so it may be disturbing





ahh been so long since a new post.. e drama took place in my chatbox anyways haha....

first muz tell u all.. thats how i am when im angry.. yes i sit quietly in church.. i seem blur.. but i will fight if i see something wrong n its bothering me.. hehez..

anyways its not in my concern to harbour tis matter.. now jus an update of things..





today wen for a appointment wif a councilor.. my teacher arranged me up one.. actually i dun really feel like needing a councilor liao.. past few days is jus a state of peace.. besides a mini arguement in my chatbox.. but nothing much to my emotions besides tat.. so i wondering whether i shd cancel my appointment anot..







so i jus asked: shd i go? then i felt like going.. so i decided to go





well e appointment was 3pm.. i tot it will only last one hour.. bsides i seriously wonder how much healing can a councilor giv.. well i was damn wrong...

its been so long since i've need to retell e events... tears even came.. well its been so long anyways... it jus feels like a normal sharing.. but wow her ability is how she can feel for other people.. even more indepth than i wud hav put it myself..

after 3 hours.. well it was a real refreshing experience.. super tired liao.. well i still had some things i kept to myself.. until now i havent told anybody.. unless i can feel they REALLY understood me.. there was 1 la.. tis secret thing is VERY VERY dear and important to myself.. if i share to ppl.. it cud easily break me.. n i will b very affected.. haha tts why i only told one person, who happened to had nearly e same experience as me... n same feelings as i hav.. so only he knew wad tis one thing i kept to myself... this thing is not an object la.. its a thought.. but this thought kept me going on... if not i wud now still be in depression.. a thought i will not share to anyone haha.. i jus feel like typing bout it only.. haha.. make u gians :P jus feel like re-emphasising: if i tell ppl bout this thought, it can easily destroy me.. but it is e one that kept me going on :)

btw, tis one person is excluding God.. harharhar.. dun tink so much

back to topic: ignoring all ppl trying to break up my emotions, well we did had a faith talk.. e councilor's a christian as well... she's e first christian that really understood how i've really been feeling (ps: anyways i didnt told her bout that thought haha.. not yet.. too risky for me).. so she related for me e pain i've experienced to God. some quotable quotes:

"A God who cannot take our anger is not worthy of our worship."
"While we are living in this age, we experience all this because satan's still free.. so we shd point our fingers at the right person"

She also told me a few real life cases of a few ppl she counseled before.. all christian cases now.. various cases.. all of their faith being tested.. e depth of their fall (one got really angry).. ahh so similar yea.. btw.. talking bout these stuff doesnt mean i've still come to terms myself.. im jus telling e ppl who are reading tis blog.. well at least i've learnt how much more evil can satan be..

suddenly, i felt like telling tis to mr Mysterious (although i can guess who u might be..): i wont say all ur advice is wrong.. i jus wan to let u noe the way u applied it is wrong.. i did a little testing there.. [to keep to my personality]: where is it wrong? haha i wan u to see for urself.. wahaha.... muahahahahaha... ;) i dun tink i can explain it though without a war again.. thats why i dun wanna say lehx =P.. lalala..

back to topic again.. well thats e end of e counseling reflection la...

anyways during e previous sunday.. i wondering whether to go to church anot la.. i was there e previous sunday.. it didnt felt much la.. and besides now i came back from chalet at 10am.. service at 2.30pm.. i need to leave at 1.30pm.. shd i go?

on e bus.. i asked her: "should i go today?" well i suddenly felt like i shd go.. despite my tiredness... so i slept at home.. miraculously, i woke up at 1.30pm.. shd i still go? well i asked again.. and i decided to go against my body will and went..


i was at church in my quiet persona again.. prior to that, 2 person said they wanted to "talk about my spiritual life".. when i read the sms.. well i didnt feel like going to meet especially for this.. tis particular guy also didnt wan to tell me wad vision he received... so i tot "ai ya usual chasing up on me again.. dun wan"

but on sunday.. since i happen to be there, and since they wanted to pray for me.. so what's wrong wif tat.. so i ask them why they suddenly felt like praying for me.. tis gal, i dun really noe her one la.. i seldom mix around in church anyway.. but she was delighted to see me back in church because i've disappeared for 2 months.. she said:

"Well the PREVIOUS sunday.. during worship la.. i dunoe why i kept turning back to look at u.. (well that sunday, e grief was still there.. i suddenly felt so sick n shivering.. so i was sitting down at my seat instead of standing up.. it was e time i typed my 'death will' in my hp) then i saw a vision of:

"a glass falling down, and break into really fine pieces.. its not those big big remains.. its really very very bits n bits of pieces.."

God said thats ur heart right now..

so i ask her, did she noe wad happened?
"No i dun noe.. well.. was it someone that passed away in ur life?"

well she hit the spot.. nobody told her anything.. so obviously God muz hav told her that.. so i told them e story.. they told me that e vision shows my heart.. n God will fix it up la.. hmm sure sounds recomforting.. its actually e firs sign i got since her passing.. to let me noe God is still there..

well wad e vision means to me.. it reassured me God still exists la.. our faith is still correct.. n God didnt show a few fragments of a glass.. He showed a million fine pieces.. to demonstrate how terrible my heart is right now.. its sure a nice reassuring sign...

so i thought in my heart.. and i told her : yup God knows how terrible i felt bout ur passing.. its sure comforting.. hmm













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heys... today's the 2nd week.. counselor told me the next time it will hurt e most is during ur anniversary.. well let us all find a cause to celebrate though.. but i sure hope i can cry easily though during any time.. to quickly release e hurt out... anyways.. as a gaining of ur passing.. i see things in life that shdnt b wasted.. holidays n stuff.. i tink even if u were to noe u were to go so soon.. haha u wudnt play so much EK n runescape hahaz.. youtube whole day one.. well we will gain strength from u.. learn from all these stuff..

well, we are good friends, ya? since primary sch.. u also hav ur bunch of best frens.. qh.. clar.. e EK ppl.. Crimson Knights (haha)..

heys.. nxt time got time i will try out harmonica.. jus see wads so interesting bout it.. e cute sounds arhz..

heard frm ur bro bout ur family too.. well glad u did all those.. ur bro sure coping well.. go and play new game.. hahaz.. i also learning my own instrument to kill time.. (dun tell u ppl wad it is..) well lets keep our unique form of contact together hor... =)

tomoro im going to find job.. haha.. lets go experience working life..



--happily ever after, from my most secret and indepth self..

chatbox is temporarily removed :) sherman's social defense mechanism will b put up for a period of time after tis post :)