update again..

e past few days, i jus felt like sleeping n sleeping n sleeping n sleeping.. i go out, come back sleep.. play com until i bored, sleep.. really kept sleeping.. i didnt knew i cud sleep so much..


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
kyo wa, 7 march..

yesterday, i went out wif my poly classmates to simply jus hang out, slack a day.. so prepared to splurge on food n a movie..

i (accidentally) brought $100.. after some disagreements on seoul garden, we wen to eat pizza hut.. we had a grp meal, plus we all ordered one lasagne each.. i realised its been so long i ate so much.. during e firs 3 days, when some of my frens wanted to celebrate.. i had no mood to eat good food.. in fact i only ate once in 2 days.. so e pizza hut, i really wanted to spend some money n eat til full.. even if i cant finish, e other motivation is, they already killed the cow n chicken to make tis pizza, did their work in it, u paid money for it, so u betta appreciate it and not waste it... well thats how i nearly vomitted after stuffing myself la haha..

then we went to PS there, later planning to watch Letters from Iwo Jima.. e war movie.. since movie still some time away, we wen to play pool at paradiz.. as i walk along, i suddenly realised something.. today is a week (today being yesterday) since tt day.. at 5pm.. i suddenly kept quiet n kept daydreaming all sorts of things while my frens were walking in front.. my fren noticed me and asked me i emo issit.. i told him e reason..

played pool la.. i STILL find it kinda boring.. after 3 rounds i really tired liao so i force my other frens to play while i rest :X.. nearing 5 liao.. i wen to e eating area n bought drink n slowly sip.. tinking all bout it..

well someone felt lke resting again.. so i tio forced to play again (i also wan to rest la..) during tis time.. i thought.. if SHE is still here.. wad wud she tell me.. treasure frenship.. treasure every minute of activity.. i bucked up n played e pool.. thats when i truly enjoy pool.. its some sort of a good game for emo ppl.. haha.. anyways, i still lost, but nvm i dun really care.. jus hav fun n hit e ball..

well i stopped my emo liao (actually is, forgot la haha.. how can u keep staying emo.. i also dun wan) we wen back to PS to catch e movie.. a war film.. i realised.. watching at tis sort of time.. u really understand how e soldiers felt.. they were stuck in a losing war.. n they had alot of things they canot tell their families, wives, children, frens.. everyone cud perish anytime.. so similar rite.. its a very inspiring movie.. death is REALLY not to be a joke.. we mutter it like so normal everyday.. i really learnt to treat tis term seriously.. e movie also has its own comedic value.. its a great film.. something to watch now since there are no really good movies except 300.. btw, its M18.. yay im 18..

my frens wanted to go chomp chomp to eat.. i felt very tired though.. esp all e thoughts that keep streaming into me.. nonstop.. much as i'd like to treasure my frens.. still very tired la.. me n my fren waited super long for a 518.. n we went back to tampines..

since e stop isnt near my house.. quite a distant.. but i dun feel like taking a second bus, so i jus walk home lor.. more thoughts coming in again.. i suddenly realised a mistake in my perception..

first of all.. it happened when i suddenly thought whether rh ever considered me.. all e while i've been so selfish.. treating her as my dream gal.. she may not.. i suddenly realised..

tis is wrong.. im simply, a friend.

But, a good friend.. friend i'll treasure even though shes not on tis world.. i realised.. simple love is easier to find than a true friendship that goes thru thick n thin.. but, tis are e things im still feeling very sad bout.. how much of a fren did she consider me.. i never heard bout it.. tis part hurts.. i never knew..

however, i decided on something.. friendship that never perish.. well they say friendship is the strongest thing in the world.. so make it MEAN!! alot ppl told me to let it go, let it go.. let her go, let her go.. after i changed my perception.. i realised.. friends were never something to let go.. we know that person, if they mean something in ur life, u dun let them go.. u treasure them, even if they are.. gone.. i wanted to carry on wad she has taught us so far.. things we shd treasure.. people we should care.. no longer wasting time on earth.. i wan to carry tis lesson wif me.. and never forget her.. e hurts may still remain, but its much betta than forgetting a friend.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i reached home.. so tired.. i turn on my com, n wen to a few sites that i always go to since that day.. n i saw something.. i realised.. i felt so tormented.. something i really shdnt hav done..

well since day 1.. i've been typing alot of my feelings online in various sites.. i wen her class blog n post some msges for her classmates.. i also wen to a undisclosed grief site wif a forum.. i also will see if anyone typed bout her during tis time online.. so i will jus go n read..

well she played tis game.. i played e game wif her e last moments b4 the game closed down.. i never knew how much she love e game.. until i saw her posting that declares her ingame friends, gave her the best time of her life.. wad an meaningful message right now.. i decided her frens ought to be informed.. n posted e news there..

her bro came in, shocked.. asked how did e news leak all e way here.. asking whether i did it (online).. i got shocked.. yes.. she wudnt want it broadcasted in such a way.. i revealed too much online.. that it seems so disrespectful for her..

i had a nightmare.. honest.. i woke up very unsettled.. i woke up again, edited my post.. n really wanted to say sorry.. but i tink for e way i acted.. their family deserve to punish me.. I'M REALLY REALLY VERY VERY SORRY!! I REALLY FIND IT HARD TO EVEN KEEP CALM!!
..
i refrain from typing her full name now.. but i tink some ppl will want to find tis post anyway.. so i simply left a tag on e post..

but thanks to that, some of her online game friends posted.. i read more bout her plans.. reading all these.. i really dunoe wad to feel.. happy or sad.. it hurts all again.. rh, personally, i want to say to u, sorry to you for e way i acted.. sorry for e way i treated u..

today im still not fully settled.. supposed to go find job.. but i rested again at home.. for now, tats it.. i find it hard to pass a day alone..