11 april 2007

i took out her photo (the newspaper article) and placed it in front of me, play my instrument looking at her face


and, I totally didn't feel like I'm playing to nobody. Really.. It's like WOW!! It feels like she's really hearing my playing.. no tears or anything.. just happiness

yup

My own personal Good Friday to Easter Sunday

seriously, I totally didn't feel like celebrating Good Friday..

One is I want to play..

but the second more minor reason is, I really don't FEEL like celebrating.. (anyways good fridays are for mournings ba) why Jesus get to resurrect my fren don't?

In fact i read news.. 2 boys discovered drowned... thought about the mazda salesgirl incident.. also read about the 2 year 10 months old girl who also died..

why should I rejoice.. tell me.. so many ppl died innocently and young.. there are people who want to die, but yet they don't. Why?

Be frank, I hate God at that moment of time.. why this kind of stuff man!! THIS IS INJUSTICE!!

If I were God, I wouldn't have grant them death.


No wonder so many people don't believe in Christianity. Does the world look fair as if there's a God of Love who actually rules over everything?



anyway, thats my honest thought.. well I don't want to argue with people either.. Indeed I'm just pointing out.. Basically friday night I cried and was very angry at God for all these people's deaths..

saturday, i stayed at home and did nothing. except I watched death note all the way till sunday 7am.. enforce all my anger even more (bcoz DEATH note.. haha)


so sunday.. easter sunday.. my parents told me I have to go to my relative's house.. ok lor..
then they say have to go the bishan temple first.. k lor follow them.. i felt totally wrong because its easter sunday.. should be for Jesus resurrection instead of going to buddhist temple.. well dun care.. just went


then i suddenly recalled that the temple was quite near her funeral.. so took my chance.. i called rh's mum and ask her was her tablet at the bishan temple? "Yes.." ok good so I went to find it..


then saw her slightly smiling picture at one of the slots.. I stood there a very long time.. I also prayed in christian way... then I went back.. then went relative house..

I came home.. reminded of all i've done in the morning.. standing in front of her picture.. praying.. I don't know what to feel now.. I'm so confused and sad.. so I just decided to try talking to her again..

then I felt like keeping all these conversations.. I took my pen and a few sheets of paper.. I placed her photograph in front of me.. (refer to my other blog)



after i finished.. wow i feel way way better.. it's much easier than i thought.. much better than talking in the mind.. i could now see my words (and her words) in physical ink.. hahaz

update!!

okiez idiot how can i type about pokemon.. i find it so stupid now (thats also a reason i dun usually keep my blogs running)


okiez update on my life.. kyo wa 4th april 2007

since last saturday I had been crying alot.. can't help crying but crying hurts too.. yep it has relapsed...

i can confidently say i still love her even though shes not here.. not saying love muz b bgr.. jus the general love as friends..

i'm not going to say goodbye to her.. i don't believe in saying goodbyes already.. why must we say goodbye when none of us feels like saying!!! each time i think of the word goodbye.. if i'm emotionally weak at that time i will break down..

well jus glad to hav this time to witness each and every feelings of love.. really.. i wouldnt noe how much i love her until this happened




jus now went see counselor again.. well last time when i visited, i was quite tough that time.. today however, the morning before i went, i cried again.. when i talked to counselor, tears keep swelling.. she puts in words that my love for her is not superficial.. is very deep.. she says next time even when i have a wife, i will not forget ruihua.. when i become a grand dad, i will still remember ruihua..


i had 1 very disturbing dream and 1 not-so-disturbing dream..

the first one, i dreamt she was still alive.. and on msn.. and we BOTH knew shes gg to die tomorow.. her nick was "Crying" and something like "Why does this have to happen to me".. we were talking.. i can't remember what we said.. but it was pretty like a farewell.. her last word said : "goodbye", n goes offline.. i sit on my desk for a while............................................. and woke up

it wasn't a nightmare, but each time i think about that dream.. i feel very hurt...

the second one wasn't that hurting but i still feel sad about it..

somehow, i was going to primary sch class gathering.. then i was on mrt.. this time, ruihua has passed away already.. but somehow, she was standing beside me.. we weren't talking.. she was beside me in spirit form.. then we both walked out, then i headed towards my primary sch frens.. then when i turn back shes gone.. then i woke up..

still feel abit sad from that dream.. but the first one is the worst..

my counselor told me that, that time when she lost her dad, she had a similar dream to the first one too.. she dreamt he was still alive, and they both knew next day, her father's going to die.. then they walk and talk on the beach.. she told me similar dreams of grieving people.. so its not unique..





post note: well i jus let ppl noe if they are reading this blog, no matter how fine i appear to be in person.. know that i still cry at night