why people backslide

haha i feel like typing this.. jus now in cell got discuss but i didnt feel like saying anything.. but i wan to correct why people backslide. Why I know? Because I backslid for 3 months, so I know

1. First reason: Ministry stress.. it all started out that I feel that I'm being forced by my ministry to come to church each week.. although I didn't regret coming to church each week despite being forced to due to my ministry, but I still felt the pressure.. then it began like that

I asked my leader to give me a break.. because my spiritual life is really down.. when I go on stage, I MUST NOT pretend.. If I'm tired and down I don't want to jump and stuff.. so I asked for a break..

Then my leader said "No, it's too rush.. wait til jan"

That was my last straw.. Ministry became my responsibility, not God.. So I rebelled.. and it started out like that..

then for the first time, I really get to enjoy my weekends.. really get to slack.. my frens come over and play.. I'm really free.. dun need to worry about pressure.. then I will play til night, and I woke up too late to go church..

Then, when I enjoyed enuff.. I DID wanted to go back.. there are a few times I went to church, but when I was nearing church.. I suddenly felt afraid..

Many people would ask me why I didn't come for 2 months.. alot people would question me.. I felt scared.. And so I didn't step in..

But i really wanted to make a surprise comeback because I miss my frens.. I wanted to come back out of no reason, instead of something happened to my life that made me go back, like most backsliders do.. I wanted to play around people's minds..

That didn't happen

Her death occurred.. I felt so sick at home I went to church to seek for answers.. but sometimes I still am depressed about her death.. that's why I didn't go sometimes..



to settle some wrong mentality.. when I didn't go church, I had these mentalities

I didn't care if I go hell.. for that moment, it's really nothing to be afraid of
I'm scared of going back to church
I totally don't care what God said.. really.. I'm enjoying my own life outside church..

You won't really understand these until you have backslided.. really.. I would NEVER THINK I would backslide.. until I did






Seriously, I myself won't believe in God given all the situation around me.. I am very open minded.. Religions don't pop out from nowhere.. there must be things that appeal to people that's why they support it..

But I don't like to argue.. seriously I will lose if anybody question my beliefs.. but why I hold on.. because I rather go through life believing in something than not believing in anything.. whether its true or not.. you can see from this I will be shaken anytime.. I claim that.. I say that anything can take me away.. but what's important is.. religion gives hope.. false hope, true hope, that doesn't matter.. we can preach and preach but if we don't practice giving people love, it's nothing.. whatever the typical christian arguments "But christians are just humans, we sometimes don't care about you accidentally" does not work.. my best listening friends did not come from church.. from everywhere.. from my forum they knew me better.. from school.. church there are a few also.. as long as you give love, that's more important.. I won't bother to argue whether God exists, Jesus did resurrect anot.. It's not important to me.. I think God really did nothing wrong.. why people must find things to argue with Him..



one more thing: stop calling nonbelievers blinded, lost or wadever.. I find it insulting myself.. keep it to yourself..

currently

im going to calculate life in days.. not years

is ready to suicide anytime, but each time before i plan to, i will see if i want to live just one more day anot.. next day die also can one wad.. see one more day how does it go..

long time never type

coz i dunoe wad to type.. basically, i'm not well.. i'm an emo kid k, i put up facades

reason is very luan.. i don't know how to phrase it.. i've been very bad the past few days.. i even ignored a plea..


i'm going to follow an advice now.. it's hidden somewhere in this blog if you are extremely bored and wants to find it.. not that hidden la.. but that's what im going to do now..



ok since i'm typing.. let me try to figure out why i slip the past few days..

BECAUSE IT HURTS!!! I thought so much of her I already grew tired of the pain.. argh.. plus i'm not showing it to people in my face.. so basically past few days i stayed at home and did nothing.. just sleep play.. i DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF HER! in fact i hate to click all the sites that has her farewells.. because it hurts..

i stop sharing to people the past few days.. including my grief support site, my favourite place recently.. i see that other people have faced much more difficulties than me.. I'm scared of people scolding me..

then i got so fed up i rant on the site in one post.. saying I'm really just pretending I'm well.. I've bottled up alot of stuff.. so i put up a rant post..

then i went to sleep.. before i slept, i complain : Why are we forced to break up our friendship!! But I know friendships cannot be broken by other people.. i admired this sweet bitterness as i slept..

Disabled

This morning, an disabled old man came into my mind.. I learnt something


Old people, despite weak and frail, had a hidden enormous power.. Experience.. when they tell stories, they teach people great things about life.. Despite their pain, they learn from it.. their pain don't go away..


I felt that I must learn to brace this pain with me.. I'm permanently disabled in this area.. The pain is still here.. But I must learn to walk with it.. to bear the pain..

when I said pain, sometimes its REALLY like a sword through.. when I read her friend's poems that really moved people.. the pain is indescribable.. the most hurting ones are her friends' goodbyes..

But I'm sick of ignoring it.. Neither will I get immune to this pain so fast.. part of myself WANTED this pain to stay.. because its the only way I can feel her memories.. How strong can I walk, will I even endure through, I do not know. I can only walk as far as I can..

Why is this simple mental pain can be so devastating for me? Like it's just a heart pain.. come on its not even physical.. what I'm talking about enduring is not physical.. Neither will I really collapse due to this mental pain.. that's not what I'm talking about.. well.. Neither will I know what kind of outcome will come from this mental pain.. I do not know.. But it hurts, internally.. Sometimes it's indescribable.

:)

Heartbroken

Tonight I cried out loud..

I want one thing: I don't want to ignore my pain.. I've been shoveling this issue for the past few days.. I don't want to just ignore it.. I want this pain taken away.. I will never defeat this pain..

The pain of her physical remains I get each time I see her postings, her chat log.. I don't want to ignore it..

I don't know when will this pain get the out of my life.. ARGHH!!!


Even the joy of seeing I passed everything this semester, is not my remedy.. it's only a temporary joy.. Its not the real cure.. Money nor grades is the cure to this pain.

I do not want to bury myself into activities to forget about this. That's my way. I want to face the pain and want it disappear even though I am helpless.. I face the pain to be slaughtered.. But I do not want to run away, ignore it.. by burying myself with games, or work.

The cry out of a grieving person

This is a very accurate list that lists out what grieving people REALLY want.. haha

next time if sadly any one goes through the same experience as me, you can read this list..
part of this blog's purpose is to provide grief support

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, spouse or a pet.

6. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

7. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from
my bereavement.

9. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

10. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.

12. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.

Author Unknown

DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.

Reflection of a boring day

Kyo wa march no ichi jyu kyu, ni sen nana

19th march 2007



today is a really boring day.. what can i learn from a day i really did nothing?
let me describe my day without storytelling

i woke up.. mourned for a while (each time it hurts, i make sure i try to cry).. a few minutes.. then go brush teeth..

watch tv read comic watch tv read comic..

spend so much money on lunch

go home do the same thing.. i type my lame story on tis blog.. i surf forums

i really trying to think of something to do..

then i slept.. 1 hr n 30 mins.. then woke up.. now 8pm already.. then go down eat dinner..

when i eating dinner.. as i eat my icy ice kachang..
the quiet sensation.. i tot of alot of things again... why did i waste this day..

i cry out within my heart to God and to her.. am i losing everything i said yesterday?

is my vision really that limited..

i went home... waste even more time (surf forum, surf around) for 2 hours.. now is nearing 11pm liao..

the wierd pain still crept within me.. it isn't pain, but it's not getting away... i really wanted to cry my heart out..

so i lie down on my bed.. i close my eyes.. feel the things around me.. i prayed la.. i decided to do wad i did again.. cry out loud within my heart..

i felt this was something i need to learn.. what I told myself yesterday, walking each day knowing im walking nearer to death.. today i really lost that vision.. i prayed to keep that vision in my heart.. to feel heaven near me.. i feel thats what i need to learn.. its so easy to lose my vision..
i prayed for God to keep my vision.. i took out her article look at her photo once again.. for quite a while.. i don't want to waste my time on earth.



:)

seeing is not everything in life.

Episode 1: VS Monster Boring

After a full day of reflection, I went back home and rest. Night falls. Sun rises. It's a new day.

"My friend. We have another day today.."
I nodded. What will come today?

When I woke up, I stretched myself.. Warming up myself for the battle ahead. I ran down my room, through my living room, I feel the lights zooming past me.. the kitchen utensils waved past me..

I finally grabbed my toothbrush. My teeth stared at me through the mirror. I grinned at them.

I called upon the Power of Toothpaste. The White Serene Cream spread onto my Toothbrush of The Light. I raised my hand.

The teeth germs screamed in pain. Hah. This was an easy enemy. I showed no mercy to them. They perished to the sink. I rinsed my Toothbrush in the waterfall of the sink. Placed it back where it belongs, and washed my face.

This is when the REAL battle starts.. I feel it's thumping.. so familar. He's so familar, I never realised he was such an enemy.. until my reflection yesterday.

Monster Boring. The Evil of a day.


I continued reading the book for a few chapters.. learning a few more stuff myself.. The Monster Boring is attacking. I quickly find things to do after I finished my book.

I took my Jewel of Unlocking. I turned its edges at my Gates. The Gates opened. A whole world appeared before me. I was hungry. Time to get lunch.

Then temptation seized me. Getting bored of chicken rice. I marched further down. Down to the Mrt Station. It's majestic tracks greeted me. I walked closer, and saw Sakana, the Japanese restaurant under Mrt Station.

$9.40 for lunch. Ouch, I failed to conserve my rations (money). Again.

I went back home, I didn't realise Monster Boring is attacking again. I became blinded by it again. It has the Power of Ignorance. It caused me to switch on TV and watch Elmo's World. Then I read comics. Then I surf forum. Then I read comic. Then I lie down on bed. Then I read comic again. And surf forum.

Before long, I realised 3 hours were gone from today. 3 over 24 = 12.5% of a day!! I really must find something meaningful to do.. Any ideas?


Current Idea is planning on my story.. if not I work on a game..

Idiot Monster Boring.. How long will I continue losing the battle..

Change

i realised it yesterday.. if i want to continue living and recover.. theres one thing i must do..


time to abandon my old self..

the old self that liked her, the old self who knew she existed. the old self, who lived life as if it will never end.

time to abandon this.

first of all, my new self is noe shes dead, my new self will live each day in light of knowing i will die.

its stressful knowing all these.. i need to take time to transition.

just now read back my postings when i jus heard the news.. one of e my most sad postings.. even now:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"i decided.. i should delete her msn n her hp number.. its heart-breaking, because u noe she will never appear online again, her runescape characters will never be logged in, n thats why i cried so much due to tis fact..

i came to a conclusion while i was crying.. her physical existance is no more, so to respect her death, i should delete her msn n hp number away.. u noe u call, she will not answer, her msn, i still hav her chatlog, n its heart breaking.. her last word is "i go study liao bb", u noe that will never add on.. so..

i tink its time to delete her msn n hp.. its to respect her death, to acknowledge her perish."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


- she will never appear online again, her runescape characters will never be logged in

its hard to say goodbye.. dramas we also see this kind of things.. how can i accept it man.. i need some time to slowly transition

i also read about another person, whose daughter died suddenly... she said "i tot i will go insane.. but look, after 17 years, im still sane"

to me.. each day i wonder how to go thru without thinking of suicide. each time i see the future... the pain that is in my heart.. walao.. when will e comfort come la.. i pray n pray n pray.. damn idiot man..

so i decided.. for now.. i live each day asking "hey, is today the day i will die?". Inspired by Tuesdays with Morrie.. wad i mean by abandoning my old self.. is to see living as a whole new way.. living knowing that i will die.. living knowing that rh has died.. no point seeing life as a 10 year thingy.. no "interesting things tt i want to do".. no hardcore working on projects..

i wan to pick out the things i love to do.. dun wan to spend too much time on other things.. dun wan to pia deadlines.. live like a human.. as the book says.. spend time n look at nature..

still.. sometimes as my old self.. i will take some time watch anime n enjoy my old being.. slowly and steadily transition..


one thing im also learning now is how to cry..


its so hard to cry.. sometimes the hurts accumulates u are so desperate.. i wan to learn how to cry anytime i wan.. besides.. crying is not jus for sad people

when u laugh u may cry.. u cry happily
u also cry sadly..


we shdnt bottle up crying.. its so good to b free to cry.. sometimes crying so much it can b very tiring.. but its much betta than not crying it out..

sometimes within my mind i shout her name.. i shout other stuff also.. when crying cease to help..


its really damn hard to abandon my old self... where i can simply choose to do anything i wan.. like play game whole day.. chiong a rpg for example.. or watch an anime series.. its really quite stressful to transition.. but i wan to.. i will slowly take my time n move to my new self... its hard to imagine how i will live each day knowing i will die some day.. its stressful.. i pray God will teach me how to achieve this..





things im waiting for:

transition to my new self
waiting for e comfort (WILL IT EVER COME!?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!)




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after typing the above post, i resumed back to reading the book "Tuesdays with Morrie"

theres one part it hit me well.. a session where u hav to partner with another person.. then one partner will hav to fall backwards, then the second partner will hold him.. the Trust sessions..

alot ppl didnt make it.. only one person, a gal who closed her eyes n leaned back.. she didnt make any hesitation, and her partner caught her.. the professor said:

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."

im falling down the valley now.. if i wan to get my comfort.. i muz trust in my feelings.. that help is coming for me.. the comfort is swarming towards my direction

i decided to try.. i practised back falling on my bed..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(this part is my personal belief.. i DONT WANT people to comment tis to me)
i felt this into my mind.. i dun need her msn to talk.. wadever regrets it came is no more.. i can rest assured.. just believe..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

good bye

im weak, im running off

A Relapse (Wallow in Self Pity)

location: my bedroom
music: Mou Sukoushi : Her favourite song
date: 17 march 2007 2.30 am


this is an indescribable torment
i shouted her name again and again
i really wanted to go back into crying again, but tears couldn't come out
my heart felt pain

i lie there (on my bed) in self pity
i felt my pain crawling through my body
yet theres nothing i can do to feel the pain physically
its mental
this is torture

i told many times "i am so sad" to plain air
so many times
i feel internally comfort coming
but nothing could do to ease the reality
i really wanted to go to heaven already









-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i really hav to type this out
good bye

disclaimer: you come here to read my posts, you hav to forgive my christian references.. no matter how stupid u tink i am.. but dun worrie.. im not hardcore pounding christian >_<

the music playing now: my favourite music.. a credit of a game ending : Earthbound..


kyo wa, jyu go no march ni sen nana
15 march 2007






i remembered one of rh's fren sending me a song.. "Midori No Hibi- Mou Sukoshi".. she said it's rh's favourite song.. haha i cudnt find anything nice about it.. just that i find the singing is quite relaxed la... well looks like i'm a more musical person.. (my favourite songs is mostly background music nia)


well i decided to look for the anime.. its called Midori No Hibi.. the story:

A high school girl who had this secret crush on this guy for 3 years.. wished she wanted to be parted of him.. it came true, literally..

this high school guy, who can fight over 10 ppl at once, got a fame as a powerful gangster.. but in reality he fights to protect the weak.. due to his reputation, no girls wanted to be with him..

one fine morning, he wakes up to find his right fist, his fighting fist, replaced by.. a girl..

the girl's real body is in a coma..


so i spent 2 afternoons to watch.. very funny anime!! the drawings are very cute.. its a romance anime.. but it makes so much sense in my life la.. well partly :X.. u can say shes the girl in coma la... there was a scene showing her family calling all kinds of wierd shamans to revive her.. but no cure.. her mum said "we must try anything possible" including the possibility of a prince kissing a princess to revive her.. well i call it the "doraemon" style.. IF only there was a way to revive her, or if only she is alive somehow..

well we noe in reality lots of things in animes and fairytales just doesnt happen.. no kissing and revive, no tear drops and it touches the person's heart, no miracle jewel, no time reverse.. thats why doraemon is so popular.. the concept of fulfilling impossible wishes in the future.. thats wad humans wish for, right? thats why doraemon really succeeded..

well.. the anime is still cute and nice la.. Midori No Hibi (Midori's days) .. when i watch, i find the storyline is nonsense.. a girl connected to a hand of a guy.. but this anime's strength's is on character development... a romance anime la... the dream of being physically connected with the person u like.. literally


haha.. well.. its a good anime.. haha.. anyways, we are frens.. its a dream.. although such dreams are futile, we sure get pleasure watching them fulfilled in the fictional world... haha next time, besides jus watching anime, lets really go help others in need.. wif wad i hav and wad u hav given to us... thats the closest we could do..


heres one thing i cud tell ppl... we all seek bgr so desperately in this kind of time... i can tell you its a temporary satisfaction... love novels have such a thrill.. esp in love triangles, we see people need to make a choice their other partner.. dun u tink thats so tragic.. having to make one decision.. instead.. i learnt that..

foster frenship is the more important thing.. dun need to make a choice.. jus be good frens.. sometimes i even feel finding a gf nowadays is easier than finding a true fren.. although the problem now is.. most of us wan a physical feeling of a partner, the desire to share our thoughts with them, plus the feeling produced through a chemical by our brain when we are in love.. i cant say whether i can keep up to my words.. but really, establishing strong friends is the most important.. once u hav that, love comes naturally.. u dun hav to pick a choice..

haha but yet.. hehe.. if it wasnt the desire for bgr driving me for so long.. i wud hav lost contact wif her.. a loss of a especially good person.. well.. let bgr drive you, but dun aim for love la.. haha.. if not i wudnt hav kept rh in my mind for so long.. haha

its only after the event, i can say to rh.. hey im sorry for treating you like a love target.. im sorry.. please let us just be frens once more.. simply good friends.. tomodachi!!

occasionally.. sadness comes knocking.. i realised this is forever.. not a dream u can wake up from.. but still when i look towards the future wad i hav to do for this world.. plus the thought i kept in my heart.. relief comes straight away..


i wen out wif my fren a few days ago.. went near airport.. we were outside la, my fren wen inside settle something.. so as i wait outside in the open air.. of coz the sadness comes.. during this time, i realised our eyes cudnt see everything.. we cudnt see heaven and all things invisible.. (if u dun understand wad im talking, ignore it).. loneliness seeped in.. but i also thought lots of things.. told her lots of things also.. well every person has to be lonely at least once.. i learnt that while i may still miss her.. there are times i hav to go thru alone myself



then today when i turned on the TV.. it turned on Central.. the screen showed: "Time" it was a documentary investigating how people age.. well at this time, it sure seemed interesting to me.. because we all know we age and will die.. it is inevitable.. there was this moment they said:

researchers discovered: humans were not made to die..


(ok this part will sound like im trying to spread gospel.. u can start skipping.. why i use purple color to highlight? there are no significant meanings in this color.. its just a highlight so u noe where to skip :S)

it reminded me of wad my counselor said to me.. God did not made humans to die.. it wasnt in our build.. just as the researchers found.. some other factors are attacking our cells.. the sophisticated repair system our bodies contains.. well most of u can guess wad is this factor.. the christian perspective.. just saying that researchers hav found themselves



in the last part.. they asked people holding a bottle of.. wierd liquid.. : "If this is an elixier of life.. would u drink it?"

mixed responses.. most wud want to live forever though..

me? i personally dun wan.. i wan to die some day.. anyway even if i drink the elixir, its not a sure "i will never die" thing.. accident, diseases.. like her.. we do not hav to age to die..

but why i dun wan? the sorrows and pains of this world will eventually lead me to suicide anyway.. (NO!! IM NOT GOING TO SUICIDE NOW!! i noe the pains my frens n relatives will go thru.. if everyone simply because of sadness suicides.. humanity wudnt hav survived this far.. everyone must bear other's feelings at heart.. besides.. i have yet to offer my aid to this world.. and no, pink color doesnt hav a significance)

anyone knows what is my 'thinking pose'? haha coz i really tend to do this action when im in deep thinking.. until i realised it myself.. haha thats when i use my hands cover my mouth.. now i do it consciously even.. its some sort of relaxing to me..

second, there is mode that when im in it.. i really get alot of ideas.. thats when im sitting alone and eating something.. be it noodles or anything.. e quietness and simple act of eating.. thats when my brain really think alot of things..

the music thats playing now, thats my favourite music.. since im young.. its a game i played at primary 5.. a game im still replaying now.. a VERY GOOD rpg.. but i shown to alot of ppl liao.. most get turned off.. but the storyline is topnotch.. something i will replay again and again.. and the music is super beautiful.. this music i never get bored of it.. my favourite piece of music.. its very nostalgic.. the sadness of saying goodbye..


time to find a job~

i hate thinking up of titles

warning: half of this post is related to christianity.. so it may be disturbing





ahh been so long since a new post.. e drama took place in my chatbox anyways haha....

first muz tell u all.. thats how i am when im angry.. yes i sit quietly in church.. i seem blur.. but i will fight if i see something wrong n its bothering me.. hehez..

anyways its not in my concern to harbour tis matter.. now jus an update of things..





today wen for a appointment wif a councilor.. my teacher arranged me up one.. actually i dun really feel like needing a councilor liao.. past few days is jus a state of peace.. besides a mini arguement in my chatbox.. but nothing much to my emotions besides tat.. so i wondering whether i shd cancel my appointment anot..







so i jus asked: shd i go? then i felt like going.. so i decided to go





well e appointment was 3pm.. i tot it will only last one hour.. bsides i seriously wonder how much healing can a councilor giv.. well i was damn wrong...

its been so long since i've need to retell e events... tears even came.. well its been so long anyways... it jus feels like a normal sharing.. but wow her ability is how she can feel for other people.. even more indepth than i wud hav put it myself..

after 3 hours.. well it was a real refreshing experience.. super tired liao.. well i still had some things i kept to myself.. until now i havent told anybody.. unless i can feel they REALLY understood me.. there was 1 la.. tis secret thing is VERY VERY dear and important to myself.. if i share to ppl.. it cud easily break me.. n i will b very affected.. haha tts why i only told one person, who happened to had nearly e same experience as me... n same feelings as i hav.. so only he knew wad tis one thing i kept to myself... this thing is not an object la.. its a thought.. but this thought kept me going on... if not i wud now still be in depression.. a thought i will not share to anyone haha.. i jus feel like typing bout it only.. haha.. make u gians :P jus feel like re-emphasising: if i tell ppl bout this thought, it can easily destroy me.. but it is e one that kept me going on :)

btw, tis one person is excluding God.. harharhar.. dun tink so much

back to topic: ignoring all ppl trying to break up my emotions, well we did had a faith talk.. e councilor's a christian as well... she's e first christian that really understood how i've really been feeling (ps: anyways i didnt told her bout that thought haha.. not yet.. too risky for me).. so she related for me e pain i've experienced to God. some quotable quotes:

"A God who cannot take our anger is not worthy of our worship."
"While we are living in this age, we experience all this because satan's still free.. so we shd point our fingers at the right person"

She also told me a few real life cases of a few ppl she counseled before.. all christian cases now.. various cases.. all of their faith being tested.. e depth of their fall (one got really angry).. ahh so similar yea.. btw.. talking bout these stuff doesnt mean i've still come to terms myself.. im jus telling e ppl who are reading tis blog.. well at least i've learnt how much more evil can satan be..

suddenly, i felt like telling tis to mr Mysterious (although i can guess who u might be..): i wont say all ur advice is wrong.. i jus wan to let u noe the way u applied it is wrong.. i did a little testing there.. [to keep to my personality]: where is it wrong? haha i wan u to see for urself.. wahaha.... muahahahahaha... ;) i dun tink i can explain it though without a war again.. thats why i dun wanna say lehx =P.. lalala..

back to topic again.. well thats e end of e counseling reflection la...

anyways during e previous sunday.. i wondering whether to go to church anot la.. i was there e previous sunday.. it didnt felt much la.. and besides now i came back from chalet at 10am.. service at 2.30pm.. i need to leave at 1.30pm.. shd i go?

on e bus.. i asked her: "should i go today?" well i suddenly felt like i shd go.. despite my tiredness... so i slept at home.. miraculously, i woke up at 1.30pm.. shd i still go? well i asked again.. and i decided to go against my body will and went..


i was at church in my quiet persona again.. prior to that, 2 person said they wanted to "talk about my spiritual life".. when i read the sms.. well i didnt feel like going to meet especially for this.. tis particular guy also didnt wan to tell me wad vision he received... so i tot "ai ya usual chasing up on me again.. dun wan"

but on sunday.. since i happen to be there, and since they wanted to pray for me.. so what's wrong wif tat.. so i ask them why they suddenly felt like praying for me.. tis gal, i dun really noe her one la.. i seldom mix around in church anyway.. but she was delighted to see me back in church because i've disappeared for 2 months.. she said:

"Well the PREVIOUS sunday.. during worship la.. i dunoe why i kept turning back to look at u.. (well that sunday, e grief was still there.. i suddenly felt so sick n shivering.. so i was sitting down at my seat instead of standing up.. it was e time i typed my 'death will' in my hp) then i saw a vision of:

"a glass falling down, and break into really fine pieces.. its not those big big remains.. its really very very bits n bits of pieces.."

God said thats ur heart right now..

so i ask her, did she noe wad happened?
"No i dun noe.. well.. was it someone that passed away in ur life?"

well she hit the spot.. nobody told her anything.. so obviously God muz hav told her that.. so i told them e story.. they told me that e vision shows my heart.. n God will fix it up la.. hmm sure sounds recomforting.. its actually e firs sign i got since her passing.. to let me noe God is still there..

well wad e vision means to me.. it reassured me God still exists la.. our faith is still correct.. n God didnt show a few fragments of a glass.. He showed a million fine pieces.. to demonstrate how terrible my heart is right now.. its sure a nice reassuring sign...

so i thought in my heart.. and i told her : yup God knows how terrible i felt bout ur passing.. its sure comforting.. hmm













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heys... today's the 2nd week.. counselor told me the next time it will hurt e most is during ur anniversary.. well let us all find a cause to celebrate though.. but i sure hope i can cry easily though during any time.. to quickly release e hurt out... anyways.. as a gaining of ur passing.. i see things in life that shdnt b wasted.. holidays n stuff.. i tink even if u were to noe u were to go so soon.. haha u wudnt play so much EK n runescape hahaz.. youtube whole day one.. well we will gain strength from u.. learn from all these stuff..

well, we are good friends, ya? since primary sch.. u also hav ur bunch of best frens.. qh.. clar.. e EK ppl.. Crimson Knights (haha)..

heys.. nxt time got time i will try out harmonica.. jus see wads so interesting bout it.. e cute sounds arhz..

heard frm ur bro bout ur family too.. well glad u did all those.. ur bro sure coping well.. go and play new game.. hahaz.. i also learning my own instrument to kill time.. (dun tell u ppl wad it is..) well lets keep our unique form of contact together hor... =)

tomoro im going to find job.. haha.. lets go experience working life..



--happily ever after, from my most secret and indepth self..

chatbox is temporarily removed :) sherman's social defense mechanism will b put up for a period of time after tis post :)

my apologies to my frens reading it

i noe i've been a little selfish past few days..

1st of all: i pick wad i wan to hear from u all (esp for my christian frens, i've been very picky).. if an advice hurts me, i say i dun wan to listen or talk about it.. yes i noe im acting this way since day 1..

2nd: i noe when some of u come talk to me.. i direct u to my blog.. its not i totally dun wan to repeat myself.. i can repeat to some extent.. but tis blog is REALLY e most indepth of my feelings i can express it in words.. i noe some of u are lazy to read all e texts.. so i wun bother u.. im not in e position to, anyway..

hope u all forgive me, including those who REALLY wanted to giv me advice.. but i didnt allow u to.. i noe tis is very bad of me..

honestly now, i hav to b a little hardened myself.. if i pick to listen all ur advices.. next time u experience e same thing, i will b as frank to u, u will noe how i feel.. but really, im now in e wrong, dun blame urself.. n i cant really be bothered to make myself being open to all right now.. so to Jon-something n Regi-something, yes i dun wan to come.. certain things, i am not bothered to make right of it myself now..

sometimes, i may also judge u all based on e responses u giv.. tis is purely MY fault.. i noe i called some ppl insensitive.. n may I refuse to talk about my life any more to u.. i noe thats my problem..

#1 confession, yup i called some of your concerned advices insensitive.. i stated a few times already.. it doesnt hit me, so i said that

#2 confession, there are a few person i dun feel like telling any more sequels of e event.. bcoz i dun find responses that comfort me.. well, as a 'assurance' its not ppl who talked to me online one.. these ppl i only told in real life.. so i dun tink any of u reading tis blog will hav to concern yourselves about it..

as i said, sorry i cant fully correct myself.. i can b evil sometimes.. jus that im telling u all, yes i am a bad person in tis aspect i will see how i can correct tis aspect..

so, as being still in e wrong, i hav nothing else to add but sorry to all again.. and thanks for reading this blog.. it means really alot to me.. when i really desperately wan my frens to noe how im feeling right now..



in fact, if next time any of my frens tio e same thing, i dun even noe whether i can return them e care i received tis time anot.. from MSheep, one of my sec sch frens.. in fact, as u noe i dun read blogs.. i already find myself owing a favour not reading YOUR blog.. so nxt time i will try to read ur blogs haha..

things i want to shout out again

well now 2am.. i jus woke up from sleeping..

saw ur texts in e chatbox.. anyways, i wont b angry wif anybody even if i find out who mysterious is.. but u dun wan reveal identity i wun chase much.. i'll simply slowly identify u.. then i will write in my deathnote..........

actually, right now i aint feeling very good.. ok tis will b honest blog.. i will reveal all my feelings here, even though a normal person wun feel tis way..

IM FEELING BAD TO TERRIBLE!! i realised i wasnt much of a good friend to her anyways.. i never heard how she felt bout me, i didnt do much things in her life.. i jus simply felt tis regret.. u can say abit of that regret turned to hate and anger.. its like i suddenly dun felt like caring bout her, bout anybody at all.. i felt like a failure.. even though i cared bout her.. i didnt make much impact in her life..

because i realised her ingame frens were better frens wif her.. they chatted.. they had fun.. (now tis will make me a little selfish, but hope u understand) I felt she may just treat me a normal fren.. it left a deep regret.. I cudnt sleep well at all..

ok, things i really want that is achievable (i dun care whether u ppl tink im selfish, tis is jus e desires within)


people to read my blog n leave their comments.. thats why i put on msn saying my blog is updated.. i really beg u all to read it..

her frens to read n leave their comment..

i want to know how she felt bout me frm her frens.. i felt selfish putting tis.. but i dun care.. tis is just my blog.. tis is wad i really want..

ok.. today going back to my sch n see my councillor.. meanwhile a church fren smsed me, saying want to meet me at church tmr b4 prayer meeting.. saying "God spoke to someone n him bout my spiritual life"

my respond: ok i noe my spiritual walk has been going down n down n down since e past 3 months.. esp now.. in fact my firs question to her death is whether did God really caused a death to drag me back.. ouch i hate You man.. even now.. yet i noe without God it'll never b resolved.. so stuck..

2nd thing is, u are going to talk bout my spiritual life eh? sorry i hav no mood to improve myself spiritually esp during tis time.. so i aint really interested..

3rd thing: so whos that SOMEONE else that u mentioned that God told u 2 personally to speak to me.. in tt case, even though i right now dun feel like meeting them, i havent smsed my response though,.. i felt like something is going to happen tomoro that i will actually go there n meet them... willingly or unwillingly.. idiot

its feel much betta typing all these.. so for now, tts it..

sidenotes

past few days wad i've been doing..

i cudnt stop listening to "god knows", from The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi.. its e last anime i recommended her to watch.. in fact i kept going back to e roots.. i kept clicking on her favourited videos in her youtube account.. it didnt made me feel any better btw.. i jus kept going back.. haiz..



oh btw, if im gone in any day.. i wont find it disrespectful if any of u post bout me online haha.. thats how i am... since i typed all my feelings here too..

update again..

e past few days, i jus felt like sleeping n sleeping n sleeping n sleeping.. i go out, come back sleep.. play com until i bored, sleep.. really kept sleeping.. i didnt knew i cud sleep so much..


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kyo wa, 7 march..

yesterday, i went out wif my poly classmates to simply jus hang out, slack a day.. so prepared to splurge on food n a movie..

i (accidentally) brought $100.. after some disagreements on seoul garden, we wen to eat pizza hut.. we had a grp meal, plus we all ordered one lasagne each.. i realised its been so long i ate so much.. during e firs 3 days, when some of my frens wanted to celebrate.. i had no mood to eat good food.. in fact i only ate once in 2 days.. so e pizza hut, i really wanted to spend some money n eat til full.. even if i cant finish, e other motivation is, they already killed the cow n chicken to make tis pizza, did their work in it, u paid money for it, so u betta appreciate it and not waste it... well thats how i nearly vomitted after stuffing myself la haha..

then we went to PS there, later planning to watch Letters from Iwo Jima.. e war movie.. since movie still some time away, we wen to play pool at paradiz.. as i walk along, i suddenly realised something.. today is a week (today being yesterday) since tt day.. at 5pm.. i suddenly kept quiet n kept daydreaming all sorts of things while my frens were walking in front.. my fren noticed me and asked me i emo issit.. i told him e reason..

played pool la.. i STILL find it kinda boring.. after 3 rounds i really tired liao so i force my other frens to play while i rest :X.. nearing 5 liao.. i wen to e eating area n bought drink n slowly sip.. tinking all bout it..

well someone felt lke resting again.. so i tio forced to play again (i also wan to rest la..) during tis time.. i thought.. if SHE is still here.. wad wud she tell me.. treasure frenship.. treasure every minute of activity.. i bucked up n played e pool.. thats when i truly enjoy pool.. its some sort of a good game for emo ppl.. haha.. anyways, i still lost, but nvm i dun really care.. jus hav fun n hit e ball..

well i stopped my emo liao (actually is, forgot la haha.. how can u keep staying emo.. i also dun wan) we wen back to PS to catch e movie.. a war film.. i realised.. watching at tis sort of time.. u really understand how e soldiers felt.. they were stuck in a losing war.. n they had alot of things they canot tell their families, wives, children, frens.. everyone cud perish anytime.. so similar rite.. its a very inspiring movie.. death is REALLY not to be a joke.. we mutter it like so normal everyday.. i really learnt to treat tis term seriously.. e movie also has its own comedic value.. its a great film.. something to watch now since there are no really good movies except 300.. btw, its M18.. yay im 18..

my frens wanted to go chomp chomp to eat.. i felt very tired though.. esp all e thoughts that keep streaming into me.. nonstop.. much as i'd like to treasure my frens.. still very tired la.. me n my fren waited super long for a 518.. n we went back to tampines..

since e stop isnt near my house.. quite a distant.. but i dun feel like taking a second bus, so i jus walk home lor.. more thoughts coming in again.. i suddenly realised a mistake in my perception..

first of all.. it happened when i suddenly thought whether rh ever considered me.. all e while i've been so selfish.. treating her as my dream gal.. she may not.. i suddenly realised..

tis is wrong.. im simply, a friend.

But, a good friend.. friend i'll treasure even though shes not on tis world.. i realised.. simple love is easier to find than a true friendship that goes thru thick n thin.. but, tis are e things im still feeling very sad bout.. how much of a fren did she consider me.. i never heard bout it.. tis part hurts.. i never knew..

however, i decided on something.. friendship that never perish.. well they say friendship is the strongest thing in the world.. so make it MEAN!! alot ppl told me to let it go, let it go.. let her go, let her go.. after i changed my perception.. i realised.. friends were never something to let go.. we know that person, if they mean something in ur life, u dun let them go.. u treasure them, even if they are.. gone.. i wanted to carry on wad she has taught us so far.. things we shd treasure.. people we should care.. no longer wasting time on earth.. i wan to carry tis lesson wif me.. and never forget her.. e hurts may still remain, but its much betta than forgetting a friend.


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i reached home.. so tired.. i turn on my com, n wen to a few sites that i always go to since that day.. n i saw something.. i realised.. i felt so tormented.. something i really shdnt hav done..

well since day 1.. i've been typing alot of my feelings online in various sites.. i wen her class blog n post some msges for her classmates.. i also wen to a undisclosed grief site wif a forum.. i also will see if anyone typed bout her during tis time online.. so i will jus go n read..

well she played tis game.. i played e game wif her e last moments b4 the game closed down.. i never knew how much she love e game.. until i saw her posting that declares her ingame friends, gave her the best time of her life.. wad an meaningful message right now.. i decided her frens ought to be informed.. n posted e news there..

her bro came in, shocked.. asked how did e news leak all e way here.. asking whether i did it (online).. i got shocked.. yes.. she wudnt want it broadcasted in such a way.. i revealed too much online.. that it seems so disrespectful for her..

i had a nightmare.. honest.. i woke up very unsettled.. i woke up again, edited my post.. n really wanted to say sorry.. but i tink for e way i acted.. their family deserve to punish me.. I'M REALLY REALLY VERY VERY SORRY!! I REALLY FIND IT HARD TO EVEN KEEP CALM!!
..
i refrain from typing her full name now.. but i tink some ppl will want to find tis post anyway.. so i simply left a tag on e post..

but thanks to that, some of her online game friends posted.. i read more bout her plans.. reading all these.. i really dunoe wad to feel.. happy or sad.. it hurts all again.. rh, personally, i want to say to u, sorry to you for e way i acted.. sorry for e way i treated u..

today im still not fully settled.. supposed to go find job.. but i rested again at home.. for now, tats it.. i find it hard to pass a day alone..

my real situation

jus copy from wad i type in chatbox to here la.. at least it doesnt disappear..

the first thing is wad alot ppl noe already.. but some didnt noe its related to me.. kk the vjc gal incident... i know her.. i waited for that gal for 7 years.. yes so tis is e current situation..

after 2.5 days of grieving, i tried to keep a positive outlook on her death.. it worked for 1.5 days.. which im able to stay cheerful for a while.. but then today, the pain came back.. today, in shivering grief, i jus suddenly felt like writing a will.. things i wan to say if i pass away.. a relative short one la.. who knows bout anything? hah.. can say i am on 1% suicidal thoughts.. (anyways, i wrote it inside my handphone haha.. includes my passwords..)

ya but i wont b so foolish la.. it jus didnt matter if i were to get into accident or anything.. jus now as e grief came back, i jus feel my heart pain and imagined how wud it b when rh's heart was bleeding.. anyways, there were things i regret.. i didnt find out her true feelings for me.. i had things i wanted to show her which is my project i did since i last communicated wif her.. finally, she didnt get to play in the harmonica concert, her passion..

e final note: for christians.. for other ppl, please dont take tis into mind.. u dun realise how much pain it was.. n ppl still joke bout death.. u r also e worst at handling death matters.. baka
meanwhile, if any one of u is planning to redirect me religiously, be warned i'll be very very very very very angry.. i've already once in my mind imagined to punch a pastor..

anyways, i had found out alot of significant things.. (but not significant enuff to change the deadly fact anyway) i will tell u all about it (btw its nothing personal one..)


tags: rui hua , vjc , victoria jc , junior college , 17 , sherman , st hilda's , shss , st hildas , st hilda , yumin , yps